


Ponds x Reader

by JustSomeGirl92



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Canon complient violence, Character Death, Nightmares, Other, trapped character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:07:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29764236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustSomeGirl92/pseuds/JustSomeGirl92
Summary: Reader meets Razor and hits it off but his sudden death has unexpected consequences for his CO.
Relationships: CC-6454 | Ponds/Reader, Razor/Reader
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

The first time he saw you, Ponds was making a rare appearance at 79’s. You were nervous to come but your friends assured you it was a lot more fun than the other places they’d dragged you too around Coruscant. So far they were right. 

You noticed Ponds from your spot at the bar, turning slightly on your stool to survey the dance floor. You caught his eye without meaning to and smiled reflexively. He looked surprised at first but returned the look with a nod of acknowledgment. When you didn’t turn away immediately, Ponds even entertained the idea of approaching you. It was only a thought, one that he immediately let go of when he saw Razor stop beside you and say something. 

You turned away, replying with something that made the ARF trooper smile and set his helmet down on the bar before settling in beside you. 

Ponds turned away as well, content to sip the rest of his drink and catch up with the brothers he hadn't seen in so long. He ignored the pang of disappointment, no stranger to the feeling despite knowing he was entirely to blame for it every time. 

When he looked back at the bar eventually, you were both gone. It was just as well, he told himself, the sentiment repeated more assuredly a few days later when he saw you again. 

Ponds pretended not to see as he trudged past you and Razor, standing close together and speaking in low tones. 

His hand was at your waist, your palm against the plastoid chest plate and your foreheads pressed together. Ponds didn’t know if either of you noticed him or not but he pretended to be surprised when Razor jogged up to finally join the rest of them at the last moment before deployment, a gold chain dangling from his clenched fist and a story ready to tell. 

Once safely aboard the ship, Razor opened his hand and proudly showed a small, delicate locket. 

“That civy I met in the bar gave it to me,” he announced. “To remember them.”

“How could you forget?” Stak snorted. Razor only preened, looking more pleased with himself and made a show of tucking it safely into a pouch on his belt. 

“That’s great, Razor,” Ponds replied. “Good for you.”

He smiled at his brother, knowing how much something like that could mean to a trooper. To own something, even something small, was a big deal. To have it given by someone who cared enough to want them back, that was something truly special. 

“Should be more worried about them forgetting you,” Stak added. 

Ponds frowned, elbowing him pointedly. He understood the jealousy but it was no excuse to ruin things for Razor. 

The ARF in question didn’t seem to mind the little dig. In fact he looked pleased for another chance to brag. “Oh, don’t worry about that. I left them with something to remember me by. Believe me.”

Ponds sighed and settled his helmet on, shaking his head. “You had to go and ruin it, didn’t you?”

xXx

These things had a tendency not to last and Ponds should have known that. 

It was bad enough to lose a brother and he was so close with, but when Razor was finally experiencing a sense of happiness that he’d never had before….

It didn’t seem fair. A lot of things didn’t seem fair, as much as Ponds tried not to think about it. 

It was hard not to feel bitter. He gazed down at the small gold locket in his hand, making it appear even more tiny and delicate. Standing there in front of your apartment door, Ponds felt a sense of panic that he was going to somehow crush the thing by accident.

It was dumb, he knew that but he was finally starting to come down from the adrenalin and shock, the situation sinking in. 

He felt tired, heavy all over. 

The commander knew this was the right thing to do. Razor had been one of his men, his responsibility. No one was going to tell you what happened in any official capacity. He could have sent a comm but that felt so cold and impersonal. It was the very least he could do to return this and to tell you in person. 

When you heard a knock at the door, your first instinct was to glance at the chrono, frowning as you wondered who this could be. 

It wasn’t overly late, but it was past the time most people would deem appropriate to stop in unexpectedly. 

You heard that the 91st was due back, it could be Razor! 

You opened the door with a sense of giddy expectation and for a split second you thought you were right. But this armour was all wrong and then the man in front of you removed his helmet, tucking it under his arm. 

His eyes were serious but kind and understanding. Your heart caught in your throat. 

“I’m so sorry,” he started. “Razor didn’t make it back after the last mission. I wanted to tell you in person. And to give you this.”

You didn’t register at first as he extended a hand, the gold cain clenched in his fist and the locket dangling, glinting in the dingy, artificial light in the hallway. You stared at it before delicately taking it from his hand. 

Your fingers brushed teh thick material of his gloves and your first instinct was to throw it back at him. You didn’t want this anymore. You weren’t supposed to have it, Razor was supposed to have it now and you didn’t want to be standing here holding this stupid thing while a stranger told you that the man you’d given it to wasn’t coming back. 

As he watched you, saying nothing, Ponds wondered what you were thinking. He hadn’t been sure if you would be upset or not. You barely knew Razor after all. The ARF had been undeniably in love with you but that didn’t mean you’d felt anything close to the same. 

In the commander’s experience, troopers had a tendency to fall in love a lot more quickly than most people. It made sense, he thought as he studied your features. They had so much less time for these things, they had to make the most of it. 

Razor had done that. He’d seen you, your kind eyes and beautiful smile and he’d taken a chance. At least he’d had that at the end. If Ponds were to die now, he’d never experience what Razor did, even for that brief few days. Was it better not to know? 

“I’m sorry.” Ponds said again, realizing neither of you had spoken for an uncomfortably long time. “Have a pleasant night, Sir.”

“Wait!”

Ponds stopped, turning back to you. He hadn’t seen it at first, maybe because he hadn’t been looking, but your eyes glistened, the light catching unshed tears. You hurriedly wiped your face, shoving the precious locket into your pocket unceremoniously. 

The action shocked him but he didn’t know why. The object had so much meaning attached to it for him but he supposed he could understand why you might not see it as favorably. 

“Um, I’m sorry,” you said unsteadily. “I just...um, would you like to uh, to come in?” The man blinked at you and you felt your face heat up. “I’m sorry,” you repeated. “I...um, you’re probably busy. I understand. I’m sorry. I just, uh…”

“I’d love to.”

Why did he say that? Ponds knew he shouldn’t but he could tell you didn’t want to be alone right now, saw the relief in the way your shoulders untensed slightly. He should have considered that this might have been very difficult for you to hear out of nowhere and he felt ashamed for not being more prepared. 

Ponds had never had to do this before. He’d never been taught this and he was woefully out of his element. But he was naturally kind, naturally empathetic and his instinct told him to sit with you now. 

He accepted the offer for a cup of tea, surprised at the sweet honeyed taste. It was warm and comforting. As the heat spread from his chest to his stomach, he hadn’t realised how much he’d needed this too. Losing Razor, that was hard for him. Having the opportunity to tell you about the last mission, to go over what had happened and let you rest your hand in his as a gesture of solidarity was theraputic not just for you. 

It was also nice to hear about his brother from your perspective. He was used to seeing himself and fellow troopers in a certain way, in a certain setting. Listening to the story of you and Razor walking through the park together and how his brother had picked a flower out of one of the beds only to be yelled at by the landscaper was like seeing a whole other side of a person he thought he knew so well. 

Maybe it was a side of himself Razor hadn’t really known either. 

When it was late and time for him to leave, Ponds felt guilty abandoning you to your own devices. Maybe that was why, when you asked if you would see him again, he’d made a promise to check in on you. 

It was only as he left the building that Ponds wondered if that was the right move. He probably shouldn’t get so involved. He’d done his job of informing you and comforting you. How could he be sure that this was for your benefit and not just because he wanted to see you again? 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zillo beats destroys Courascant and Reader gets trapped.

Ponds was only on Coruscant for two days. Not much time in your opinion though it appeared normal for him and so you appreciated all the more that he checked in on you a few hours before they were due to ship out. Part of you thought there were a lot better things for a commander to be doing and he wouldn't bother with you again. 

It surprised you to see him at your door at the exact time he’d told you. “You’re...on time…” you said dumbly as you opened the door. 

“Of course.”

“Right,” you quickly amended. “I suppose the army requires punctuality, doesn’t it?”

Ponds nodded awkwardly. He wasn’t looking at you. At least you didn’t think he was, it was a bit hard to tell when he kept that helmet on all the time. 

“Tea?” you asked, already moving into the kitchen. 

“I can’t stay long.”

You took that as a yes and Ponds eventually moved his eyes away from the picture sitting on the entryway table. He said nothing else until you’d set the warm mug in front of him, sweetened with the honey that he seemed to enjoy. 

“That picture…” he said slowly. 

You smiled and ducked your head shyly. “What about it?”

You knew what he was talking about. The candid selfie of you and Razor in the park, set in a small frame that blended well with the rest of your decor, the gold chain and locket draped elegantly over it dangled from the side. It wasn’t bold but it wasn't hidden either, sitting in plain sight for anyone who stood at the apartment door. 

Ponds looked like he was considering what to say and you sighed, feeling the need to explain yourself. You were tired of it, just exhausted really, but the man across from you wasn’t like everyone else you talked to. He would understand. 

“I know we were only together for a few days, it was nothing in the scheme of things. But Razor changed alot for me,” you said softly. You looked down at the table, solid but with a few scuff marks and stains. You ran a finger tip over a small gouge in the wood. “I never met anyone that was so open before. He said exactly what he was thinking. He told me all the time how beautiful he thought I was and how comfortable he was around me and how much I deserved love and affection and all these good things.” You sighed, looking up at Ponds. He appeared uncomfortable and that didn’t surprise you. “It’s just that no one had told me these things before. Not like that. He made me see myself differently. But no one else understood why I was so hurt that he could be taken from my life so easily.”

You didn’t hesitate to reach out and touch the commander’s hand where it rested on the table. Almost instinctively he slid his hand closer to meet you part way. 

“That’s why I really appreciate you being here,” you smiled. “Everyone else...they just don’t get it. They think I should have known better, that it was always inevitable to end like that. They never knew what he was like and how it feels to have someone just...just gone… No fuss, no closure… It’s hard. They all think I should be able to move on by now, that it wasn’t a big deal because of how little time we spent together. But I can’t because it's not just him, is it? It’s thousands of men like him, here one day and then just gone. Like nothing, like they weren’t even here. It’s not right is it?”

Ponds’ lips tightened like he wanted to say something but held himself back. “Maybe not,” he spoke slowly. “But it's our lives. That’s just how it is. Maybe it won’t be like that one day.”

“It’s not fair,” you frowned. “It’s not fair that everyone else just gets to not think about it, that they think I can just forget and go on with my life.”

“No, it’s not,” Ponds allowed. “It doesn't get much easier no matter how many times you see it.”

“That’s why I have the picture,” you said softly. “I don’t plan to forget. Not just him but you and the others too. It’s not right. I keep it there for anyone to see, for anyone to ask about so I can tell them that it’s a picture of a young man with his whole life ahead of him, who had someone that loved him. A young man who died in service of the Republic without even a thank you.” Ponds didn’t say anything but you smiled at the composed look on his face, guessing at what he was thinking. “I’m sure it will make people uncomfortable but that’s the point. They should think about it. It’s the least they can do.” 

For the first time Ponds dropped the composed commander facade and you could see the weary lines on his face. He looked much older and yet very young at the same time. “I'm glad someone else will remember him at least,” he said. “It’s not much, but it’s important to us clones. Our brothers do their best not to forget us but they usually end up the same way.”

He didn’t need to say it. You squeezed his hand. 

“There’s a Mandolorian custom,” he went on. “To recite the names of the fallen. There are some in the GAR who follow it. As a way to keep their memory alive.”

“I think that’s beautiful.” Your voice was soft, your touch even more so as your thumb stroked against the tough leather of Ponds’ glove. “The mandalorians are a nomadic people, aren't they? It makes sense that they have to travel light and carry only what’s important. You live a similar life. Your brothers’ lives are important and I think in a way you can still carry them with you.”

Ponds looked down into the mug in front of him, the steam rising slowly. At first you thought he was sad but then you saw the soft smile on his face. 

“Yea, I guess that is a good way to think of it,” he said quietly. 

For some reason, it seemed very important for you to give him something when Ponds left. There was no way you were going to give him that locket, it turned out to be not such a good luck charm after all. But more importantly you wanted something comforting for him to bring back to the front lines. 

“Here,” you said, shoving it into his hands at the door. Ponds looked startled, turning the small bottle of honey over in his hand. His head cocked to one side and you could just tell he was opening his mouth to say something. 

“Just take it with you. Since...obviously the army doesn’t give you guys honey.”

“Thank you,” he said, wisley accepting the gift and settling it into one of the pouches on his belt. “I’ll think of you when I drink it.”

He was glad for the helmet now, wanting to kick himself for saying that. Despite knowing he was probably embarrassed, you felt pleased. 

That night as you climbed into bed, you thought about the prior conversation as you rolled over on to your back and stared up at the ceiling. 

“Razor..” you whispered into the darkness. 

xXx

Your neighbourhood was not one of the best in Coruscant but at least you could proudly say you’d never come this close to death before. 

You were on your way home from work at one of the upper levels when all hell broke loose. Even though since the start of the war, you were used to seeing all sorts of crazy things, a rampaging zillo beast was not one of them. 

What even was the protocol for something like this? An image of your grandmother’s worried face flashed in your mind and you mocked yourself for your neivitie years ago. 

“Oh, don’t worry. Coruscant isn’t that dangerous!” you scoffed as terrified citizens screamed and ran, buildings brought down from the sheer brute strength of the creature. Troopers blasted it relentlessly but they seemed to have no effect on it at all. You heard a scream not far behind you as one of the men was crushed by the beast’s huge foot. 

Thinking quickly, you ducked into an alley way, hoping the thing would continue to trample on ahead. You let out a breath of relief and sagged against the wall as it yowled and stomped past. But you’d forgotten about that nastly tail and on it’s way through, the zillo beast clipped it against the side of an apartment building, sending thick chunks of debris raining down. 

Hearing the grain and the shattering of transparisteel, you screamed and tried to think fast. 

It was probably a stupid move but the only nearby cover was a dumpster and without thinking you dived in. 

The sound inside was deafening as debris dented the thick metal but the container held up. Luckily for you this was an older model, solid and fully metal all around. 

It wasn't until things settled that you started to register the smell. Still, your heart pounding, you waited a few more beats, too terrified to move. When all remained silent, you scrambled pushing at the lid. 

“No! No, no, no, no!” you desperately pushed at it, hearing the creak and groan but something had fallen on it, leaving you unable to push it open. You were stuck. 

Being stuck in a stinking dumpster was definitely one of the worst situations. At least you had air in there but it would be a long time before someone found you. 

“Calm down, calm down,” you told yourself. Your heart was racing and you had to take deep breaths to try not to panic. The stench was overwhelming and only made you more aware of the situation which didn’t help your panic at all. 

Tears were prickling at your eyes, running down your cheeks and you knew you were about to lose it. 

“Hello? Where are you?”

It took you a few seconds to register a voice. It was too clear to be coming from outside the bin. They sounded worried and you suddenly remembered your comm. You scrambled for it. Somehow you’d accepted an audio only transmission without realising it.

“Hello? Who is this?”

“This is CT-411. Commander Ponds of the 91st Mobile Reconnaissance Corps.”

You laughed, both in relief and amusement at his overly formal address. “Ponds!” you said breathlessly. “How...Why…?”

You could hear the Commander sigh in relief as he said your name. “I’m glad you’re alright. I had one of the boys check in at your apartment but they said you weren’t home. I’m sorry for prying, I just-”

“No! I’m in a dumpster!”

There was silence for a moment. “I’m sorry?”

You were crying again, this time in relief. “I was on my way home, that...that thing was going crazy! I almost got crushed but I...I’m stuck.”

“Don’t panic,” Ponds cut in. “I’m on my way. Stay on the line with me, alright? It’s going to be okay.”

“Alright,” you sobbed. Despite the tears and deportation you trusted him.

It felt like mere moments after that when you heard voices, all very similar, though muffled. You could hear shifting, men grunting and calling your name. 

“I’m here!” you banged at the side of the dumpster and heard more shouts in response. 

“Are you alright?” someone called. “Do you have air in there?”

“Yes!” you shouted back. “Though I’m not particularly enjoying it.”

You could hear a few chuckles at that and felt yourself smile. The relief was palpable. 

“Ponds, they’re here,” you said to the comm. 

“The guard are out all over the city. I knew they could get to you a lot faster than I could. But I’ll be there soon, okay?”

“Okay.” You were sobbing in relief again, listening to the men calling back and forth, working out how to remove the debris. 

By the time they had it worked out, Ponds had arrived. Somehow you could tell his voice from the others. 

His was the first helmet you saw, reaching in to grab you. “Did you break anything, are you hurt?”

“No,” you replied. He lifted you gently and you clung to his shoulders, sobbing against Ponds’ chest. He didn’t seem to mind the disgusting smell or grime on you at all, just held you as well, the four other men in Corrie guard colours clapping. 

“Not the most daring search and rescue we’ve ever done but certainly memorable,” one of them teased you and you laughed like it was the funniest thing you had ever heard. 

“Come on, I’ll get you settled at home,” Ponds said quietly, gently leading you towards a speeder parked at the entrance of the alley way. 

“Thank you,” you said quietly, leaning heavily against him. Your legs were like jelly and you were more exhausted than you could ever remember being. But at least you were alive. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader has a new mission.

It wasn’t until you were in the shower, clothes sealed in a plastic bag to go straight back in the trash where they belonged, that you thought of the situation logically. 

Ponds had said he checked your apartment. He’d been worried about you, and even more so when he didn’t find you. Despite the chaos and his duties as a commander, he'd still thought about your wellbeing. 

It made you feel inexplicably shy when you saw him again. 

Ponds had kindly taken out and disposed of your clothes for you, putting your kettle on when he returned. He was still in his full gear, including the helmet, when you walked out freshly scrubbed and wearing the biggest, coziest pajamas you had. 

The Commander looked funny in your little kitchen, his armour clashing with cozy decor and at odds with his gentle, careful way of handling the tea pot. 

He streighted as you entered, like a general or an admiral was arriving on deck. You couldn't help but smile in amusement. 

“How did you know where to find me?”

Ponds hadn’t been expecting that question and though you couldn't see his face, he still looked sheepish. “I...tracked your comm,” he said. 

“I don’t mind.” You were quick to reassure him. “I don’t think I could have given you any helpful information at that point. Thank you.”

Ponds’ shoulders dropped slightly in relief at that. 

“You saved my life,” you continued. “I can’t thank you enough.”

“Just doing our duty,” Ponds replied, quick to allow the thanks to slide off him. “Just glad you’re alright. I have to go now. Lots more clean up ahead. Is there anyone you’d like me to comm for you?” 

You could tell by his voice that Ponds was weary. He was far too empathetic for such a job and It hurt him to see people in distress. You tried to think of something to say but everything alluded you. 

“Not right now, thank you,” you said. “Just, be careful out there.”

Ponds gave you a brisk nod and then he was gone. 

xXx

You weren’t surprised that he was far too busy to see you even when he was on Coruscant. Ponds must have had a lot to do. In the last few days you saw a lot of troopers wandering the streets, cleaning up and putting things back together as best they could. 

It seemed to you that they worked in completed silence, if you hadn’t known that they could communicate through their helmets. You couldn’t blame some people for thinking they were just a step above droids when you saw them like this. You couldn't hear the joking and chatter that was going on in private, they simply carried on, exchanging brief comments with other officers or emergency personnel. They kept to themselves and didn’t seem to tire or complain. 

It gave you an idea and something to do that might take your mind off a certain commander. The way you were feeling about him confused you and part of you felt disloyal to Razor thinking that way about his brother. 

So instead with your few days away from work, you turned to social media.

_ The night before last, when that beast ran through the city, troopers from the Coruscant guard saved me under a pile of rubble. I feel like we should thank them. Does anyone else have a story? _

The comments were….as you expected. Largely negative but that only made you more sure that you were right. These people were so ignorant it made you laugh. At least their hate got the word out. 

_ I wondered if I should post this or not, but then I thought about how no one else is going to say something so I feel like I should. I lost everything a few days ago. My home was destroyed. Luckily my son and I were able to get out but we had nothing. I just remember standing there, holding his hand and just staring at where our apartment used to be. I had no idea what to do, my son was so scared and I didn’t know what to tell him. I was just trying not to fall apart, wondering what in the hell am I going to do? One of the troopers offered to escort us to a shelter. He was so kind and he made my son smile. Hearing his laugh made me start bawling like a fool, I was just so relieved that my baby could still be happy and that reminded me it wasn’t the end of the world, we were safe and that’s what mattered. I’ve thought about that a lot the past few days. I wish I could tell him how much that meant to me.  _

_ Yea, one of them (sorry I dunno how to tell ranks or like companies or whatever from the colours??) helped my grandma. She’s in a wheelchair and can’t walk very well and our building has only stairs so she mostly stays at home all day. I was totally panicking and trying to ask the neighbours for help but they were all running around screaming, it was chaos! I went outside and just started shouting for help. One of them came running and when I explained they went inside and literally carried her out of the building lol It was really scary at the time but yea, I would like to say thanks too. Our apartment is totaled but me and my grandma (and her elderly tooka with no teeth!) are safe.  _

_ Actually, I read the previous comment and the mention of a tooka reminded me. I work in one of the shelters in the mid level and our power got completely knocked out. We weren’t deemed priority for the city (Not surprised) so they were in no rush to help us. But we have some vulnerable animals that need heat and water. Some troopers arrived and managed to fix up a generator for us to keep running and keep our animals safe. Thanks guys!  _

You looked at the picture of two smiling tookas, curled contentedly around each other, facing the camera with looks of content. 

There was really no reason that you couldn’t thank them, you thought to yourself. Who was going to stop you? Without giving yourself time to think about it, you typed another message, wondering if you’d even get a response. 

xXx

You arrived pulling the cheerful little wagon behind you and approached the first trooper you saw. It was hard to tell from the armour but when he spoke you could tell he was young.

“Excuse me,” you started politely. “I have something to drop off for you.”

“Sorry, sir. The entrance for senate-”

“No, it’s for the guard,” you interrupted. “A thank you.”

The two troopers looked at each other and you could sense the hesitation. 

“Um...I have to….I have to check with Commander Fox…” the one closest to you said while the other seemed to be contacting their commander. 

“What seems to be the problem, Dipp?”

Who you assumed was Commander Fox appeared behind the man talking with you. His armour looked different and you knew enough to be able to tell he was the one in charge. He had a squared look about his shoulders and even though you couldn't see his face, you could tell he was readying himself to deal with another situation. 

“Commander Fox?” you asked, holding out your hand. He took the smallest step back as though surprised before accepting. “I have something for you.” 

You handed him a box from the cart, passing another off to the trooper he’d referred to as Dipp. 

“They uh...want to say thank you. Are we allowed to accept this?” Dipp asked, a hopeful edge to his voice. 

“Well...there’s no rule against it?” Fox’s answer came out as more of a question. 

“It’s just some cookies and muffins,” you explained, trying to ease the hesitation as you stacked another box into Dipp’s arms so that he had to try to peer around them to see where he was going. 

“If you don’t mind us asking, what’s going on here?” Fox asked you, sounding perplexed. “This is the fourth time today someone has come up to my men to give them gifts.”

“Oh, um. I guess you guys aren't on the holonet very much, are you? Some citizens have been talking about what you guys did for us the last couple of days and we just wanted to give our appreciation.”

“That’s not necessary,” the second trooper guard who had been hanging back until now cut in. He appeared embarrassed after speaking to you uninvited. “It’s just...that’s our job, sir.”

“Well, even still,” you shrugged, piling boxes into his arms to empty your wagon. “It doesn't hurt to say thank you.”

xXx

Your second surprise of the week came when Ponds agreed not only to stop by and see you, but to bring some of his men as well. 

They seemed just as curious as Razor had been when he first stepped into your apartment and looked around. The four men stood in a clump in the front entrance at first until Ponds took the lead and introduced you. 

“This is Stak, Poptart, Fyn and Greaseball.”

“You’re welcome to look around. It’s not really much to see though,” you said self consciously. 

Ponds shook his head and you could practically feel him wanting to apologise to you for their awkward social skills. You laughed and gently bumped your shoulder against his. 

“I get it,” you assured him. “This is all new to them.” You had to admit that seeing your humble home through new eyes did give you more of an appreciation for it. “Relax, Ponds.” 

He finally gave you a soft smile in return, one that made you feel warm inside like the first sip from a steaming mug on a cold day. 

Glancing away, you busied yourself in the kitchen. “Why don’t you give me a hand with the caf?”

It didn’t take long for the boys to relax a bit and for you to see their individual personalities. It was interesting how they all seemed to default to a polite but distant facade upon first meeting them and seeing the variety in the way they spoke and moved and laughed after they became more comfortable with you. 

Ponds was unsurprisingly the last to relax despite having been in your home before. It was different though, you could see his sense of responsibility towards his men. Making sure they behaved themselves appropriately. 

“Stak just about jumped out of his boots!” Greaseball grinned at his scowling brother. 

“Hey, they’re big!” he countered. “Besides, I didn’t see you riding a blurg.”

“So what did you think?” you asked. “Was it better than a speeder?”

“Well, I wouldn't say better exactly…” Stak admitted sheepishly. “But, yea I definitely have a new appreciation for them. I think I understand why General Kenobi has such an affinity for tall types of animals in the galaxy.”

“Is that right?” You didn’t know that. No reason you would, really. You hardly knew anything at all about the jedi. The predominating idea was that they were a force for good but their secrecy and sudden involvement in the war was enough to have some people suspicious of their motives. The cultural divide between jedi and the average Republic citizen was a big one. “Does that mean you might get a pet blurg one day?” you teased. 

“I want a pet tooka,” Poptart said suddenly. He was more quiet than his brothers, content to listen and munch the treats you kept setting in front of him. It was nice to see someone actually appreciating your efforts in the kitchen.

“You’re not allowed pets, remember?” Fyn gently reminded him. 

Poptart sighed, resting a cheek in his palm. “Yea, I know. But maybe one day I’ll live in an apartment like this and then I can have one. Maybe two.”

You caught the uneasy glance between Stak and Greaseball. It wasn’t hard to understand why. They all knew that day would likely never come. You couldn't blame Poptart for thinking about it though. He had to have something to look forward to. 

“Two?” you asked. “Watch out or you’ll become one of those crazy tooka people with twelve of them living with you and feeding all the strays in the neighbourhood too.”

“That wouldn't be so bad,” he replied. “I think I'd like that.”

When they were getting ready to leave, Stak offered to stay back and help you clean up. You pretended not to notice the private conversation between him and Ponds before the others left. It wasn't hard to tell that there was something he wanted to talk to you about but you let him bring it up on his own. 

“It was really nice of you to invite us over,” he said as you were packing up goodies for him to bring back. 

“It was nice of you to come,” you replied. “I thought it would be good to meet Razor’s closest brothers, the people that knew him best.”

“I understand,” Stak nodded slowly. “The thing is though…”

You paused what you were doing and turned to face him. 

“It’s just...getting involved with all this, the guard, starting a petition for clone rights….it’s great but...I don’t think Razor would have wanted you to forget to live your life.”

“What do you mean?” you frowned, head tilted slightly. This reaction surprised you and you could tell he was struggling to make his point. 

“I just mean that you shouldn't get so involved that you miss out on other opportunities or that you feel like you owe him something. It’s okay to move on. I think he would have wanted you to be happy more than anything. Especially since he never got the chance to live life like you, he wouldn't want you to waste that.”

“I’m not wasting it,” you insisted, wringing your hands. You sighed, looking down at your feet. “I know what you’re saying. I’ve heard a much less nicely worded version from people a lot lately but it’s honestly not just about Razor. It’s like my eyes are open to things I never noticed before. A lot of things that aren't fair but they’re so commonplace that we don’t notice it.” 

“You’re a good person,” Stak said softly, putting a hand on your shoulder. 

You felt your face get warm but didn’t argue the point. “Spending time with Ponds and then with all of you, I feel like I just can’t accept what we’re told anymore. It’s not right.”

“Spending time with Ponds,” Stak repeated. 

“What?” you asked, looking up. 

“Oh, nothing,” he quickly shook his head, looking embarrassed. “I should probably get going. Thanks again. I hope we’ll see you around.”

Even though you let it go at the time, you couldn’t get the look on his face out of your head. You had the distinct feeling of knowing something that you couldn’t put into words. 


End file.
